Do You Want to Be Right, or Do You Want to Get It Right?

Written By Shannon Crist

A Parenting Moment About Feedback, Ego, and the Power of Questions that Applies to Leadership and Career

Yesterday, my son walked out of basketball practice visibly frustrated.

When I gently asked, “Hey, you seemed off walking out—what’s going on?”, what followed was a wave of emotion, critique, and conflict—all triggered by something the assistant coach said.

And what unfolded next?
One of the most powerful coaching moments I’ve had—not as a professional, but as a parent. In reflection, this coaching applies to so many things I speak to in my career and leadership coaching.

The Spark: Bad Advice… or Bruised Ego?

The assistant coach—a younger, well-meaning presence—had given my son some feedback: to make a spin move while he was in motion and driving to the rim.

Only, my son didn’t agree.
He was sure that move would have resulted in a travel.
He didn’t ask questions. He didn’t clarify.
He just assumed the coach didn’t know what he was talking about.

This wasn’t the son I knew—normally coachable, open to feedback, and respected by coaches for his growth mindset.

So what was different?

As we unpacked it together, I realized the emotional charge wasn’t just about the feedback itself. It was:

  • The way the feedback was delivered—abrupt, unclear, a bit snarky

  • A clash between what he thought was “right” and what he was being told

  • And underneath it all, a tension between being right and getting it right

When Feedback Fails (and Why Questions Matter)

The coach didn’t ask any questions.
He gave a directive, not an explanation.
No context. No curiosity. No connection.

And my son, rather than seek clarity, resented it.
He didn’t ask what the coach meant.
He didn’t advocate for understanding.
He made a judgment and disengaged.

When I suggested maybe the coach meant to replace his move with the spin—not layer it on top—he paused. I asked, if he would have only done the spin move, if it would have been a travel.

That was the moment.

Now, don’t get me wrong—clear, direct feedback absolutely has its place.
I’m a big believer in Radical Candor: say what needs to be said, with care and honesty. But questions?

Questions invite reflection.
They create space for ownership.
They unlock a deeper level of learning, especially when paired with candor.

The Real Conversation: Do You Want to Be Right, or Do You Want to Get It Right?

We talked. Really talked.

About how:

  • Feedback often comes in messy, imperfect packaging

  • Questions are the gateway to clarity, not just answers

  • Even when we’re sure we’re right, it doesn’t mean we’re seeing the whole picture

  • Asking questions doesn’t make you weak—it makes you wise

And most importantly:

You can either try to win the moment or you can try to grow from it.

What I Hope He Took Away

  • If something doesn’t make sense: ask.

  • If someone gives you feedback, stay curious.

  • If your instinct is to defend: pause and check—am I trying to be right, or trying to get it right?

  • And when you’re the one giving feedback someday, remember how powerful it is to lead with a question, not a correction.

Why This Matters (Off the Court)

This wasn’t just a sports conversation.
It was a life lesson in leadership, communication, humility, and self-awareness.

Whether we’re raising kids, managing teams, or building businesses, the same principles apply:

  • Clear feedback builds confidence.

  • Questions unlock understanding.

  • Ego gets in the way of growth.

And as for the assistant coach? He’s learning, too.

Just like the rest of us.

Shannon Crist